When your car’s a lemon, make lemonade. Cars are like people. It’s the messed up ones that have the fascinating personalities. It’s the lemons that have all the great stories. How many funny stories are there about brand new flawless cars? I am no mechanic. I know very little about the inner workings of an automobile, but I have a good deal of experience working with junky cars. The key to coping with a clunker is to have a sense of humor. With the right approach, this can be easy. Ourtwo’s suggestions for getting the most out of a clunker. 1. Name your car. Naming your car gives you the first glimpses into its personality. The most recent car that my wife and I had was a small white ’96 Dodge neon. We named him Ourtwo, after R2D2 on Star Wars, because he had so many odd creaks and squeaks and he looked like him. We even bought some boat letters and plastered his name on his bumper. I admit, the spelling was a little wacky, but that too added to Ourtwo’s personality. People would read the letters and say, “What’s Ah-oort-wo?” 2. Know your car’s personality. This is essential if you are ever to get along with your car. You must recognize that your car has its own ideas about things. Your car has an attitude. It also has fears and eccentricities. Some even have obsessive-compulsive behaviors. Ourtwo was a good car, but he was incredibly doctor-shy. Every time we took him to the mechanic, his symptoms would magically vanish. The first couple times I thought it was an amusing irony, but after the 4th and 5th time, I realized that Ourtwo had a phobia. Ourtwo also had a strange left-turn signal. When you first pushed the signal, it would click like normal, but as soon as you pressed the brake, the clicker would go berserk. Sometimes it would just stay on. Sometimes it would double it’s pace. Sometimes it would double it’s pace, then triple, and get faster and faster until it stayed on completely all in a matter of about 3 seconds. Other times it would change to a random pace, clicking without any conceivable pattern. We decided Ourtwo was trying to tell us something, since there seemed to be no way of predicting which click style he would use each time. So we made up a chart with all of the clicks, and assigned each to a fortune or prediction so Ourtwo could let us know by means of the left turn signal what kind of premonition he was having. We soon discovered that not only was the click random, but on the back of the car the signal would make all the lights blink. People occasionally asked us why we used the hazard lights so much. Ourtwo had the guts to accelerate quickly, but he tired easily. He didn’t like freeways they wore him out within about 15 minutes especially in the summer. If he started getting tired, he would hiccup to let us know he needed a rest. If we gave him a rest, he’d usually make it another 15 minutes. If we tried to push him, however, he would eventually die, and we would drift to the side of the freeway. He wouldn’t start, no matter what we tried. The first time this happened, it worried us. Remarkably, however, he started again after 10 minutes. When we took him into the shop, they couldn’t find anything wrong with him (remember, he’s doctor shy), so we left. Ever after, he consistently died after 15 minutes of driving. We’d then give him a 5-10 minute rest, and then continue on our way. This made for long road trips, but it always worked. 3. Talk to your car. This helps you develop a bond with your car. For most people, your car is not likely to respond. We were lucky. We obtained an R2D2 bobble-head toy with a button that would whistle and chime like the movie character, and hung it from the rear-view mirror. There were about 5 sounds that cycled randomly, so we could ask our car how he was feeling, and he would usually tell us. Someone also gave us a stuffed plush R2D2 for our car, which squeaked like a rubber ducky when you pressed the red button on his face. Unfortunately, it was harder to interpret the plush R2 than the bobble-head. 4. Know your car’s tricks. This was probably my favorite part of having a clunker. As Ourtwo’s various components ceased to work, we’d find unique ways of compensating. With his left turn signal, we discovered that if after pressing the turn signal, you gave it a slight tap upward, the weird clicks and hazard light ordeal didn’t occur. This was the only way we ever discovered to fix the problem, and being too poor for a decent car, we were also too poor for fixing petty problems, so we found our own solution. My sister once had a car who’s radio would just blank out once in a while. Unmechanically and unelectronically inclined as all of us were, we had no idea what to do. My sister discovered that if she brought down her fist firmly on the dashboard at a very precise spot, the radio would dutifully return to full function. I tried it once, but it didn’t work. “No,” she said, “like this.” Then she brought down her fist in the exact manner as I had, and the radio came on. When I was in High school, my parents had a minivan that didn’t like winters, and when you turned left in the winter, you had to turn off the radio and defroster, or it would die. In summer it would sometimes die while stopped at traffic lights. The only way to get it started again was to shift to neutral (Park and Drive didn’t work), start it back up, and then shift back into Drive. Though this led to a few awkward car-honking experiences, as long as we used the tricks, the car worked great. Ourtwo had a funny problem with his front drivers-side door. It was caused by someone breaking into him (I can’t imagine why they would break into such a pathetically cheap car one with no CD player, tape player, or even radio). The hard plastic inner lining of the door would catch on the door-frame every time you opened the door. When it stretched far enough, it would come loose and snap back with a startling bang. That was annoying enough, but it became more of an issue in parking lots when we’d get out of the car. Anyone walking by would see the door open and hear a loud smack, as if the door had slammed into the neighbor car. Soon we discovered that if you opened the door to the point where the lining was just about to snap back, then close it partway again, the lining would usually snap back quietly, saving the driver the embarrassment of explaining the problem to a complete stranger. Finding unique methods of dealing with your car’s quirks will make your car manageable and entertaining. Plus it’s kind of cool to be be the only one who knows your car well enough to drive it. Ourtwo was a good hunk-of-junk. He served us well for almost 3 years. We planned on taking him in for major repairs one morning before going on a small road trip, but running short on time, we decided we’d wait till after we returned. On the way back, however, Ourtwo mashed into a moose, and both were killed. We miss him, though our bank account doesn’t. Now we have Lilo, a shiny 1993 Mazda 626 who thinks she could contend in Nascar not for her speed, mind you, but for her roar. She won’t let us fix her muffler. Category:Home › Autos • Will the trend toward economy-size car models lead Americans back to buying smaller-sized cars? — part 2 • You should never use after-market auto parts when maintaining or fixing your car • Should a new car be rust-proofed? • Will the trend toward economy-size car models lead Americans back to buying smaller-sized cars? — part 1 • Five safest cars in North America • How to ensure your teen drives safely after getting a license • Pros and cons of using an hydrogen generator for your car • DIY automotive maintenance: How to change the oil
